all that and more.

I hunt purpose.  I am a carnivore of reason.  I hunger for it, ache for it, but in this crazy foreverness it has eluded me.  I am not the mightiest of hunters, not the most seasoned or best suited of them all, but persistence is my guide and everyone says that is money well spent.  One day my teeth will sink into bliss and I will know that it is everything I had imagined it to be.  One day I will be on the outside with the in at my back.

The silence is broken...

A new blog brought to you by the makers of, I cant believe I just smoked that whole bong and am now trying to make my first blog post in a long ass time!  Like a galaxy far, far away long time...!

But here we are, and now its to late to turn back, so sally-ho, saddle up and yeeeee-haw...!

Right.

Egg Nog.

That's why I haven't been blogging.  Some time shortly after my return back to the city and my slow rehabilitation into city life I decided that I was not going to blog until Egg Nog was in the stores and I had bought my first carton.

This has been done.

Twice now actually.

Heh.

Soooo...yeah.  Egg Nog.

To be honest there were quite a few times where I wanted to blog!  It wasn't easy.  Just a lot of personal shit going on in my life at that time and I didn't feel like allowing it to spill over here at Elusive Twilight.  Things have stabilized, and now I should be a bit more regular in my blog postings again.  I figured putting a condition on my return was a way of guaranteeing myself any embarrassment over emo style blog postings.  Time will now be our judge and jury.

Ahhhh.  Explosions In The Sky.  Anyone a fan?  Thats what's playing right now (is the only reason I mention them).  good band - really chill, but in a quiet, epic kinda way.  Anyways, kudos to them and I highly recommend them. :)

Ohhh look!  Shiny!

I'm baaaaaaaack!  *grins*

PURGE.

Incoherence at it's finest.

section a.

I am listening to Android Lust right now, which is dirty industrial music with a pulsating, deep, dark, electro background.  It is sinister music edged with anger and attitude.  I am loving it.  For the past 3 months (almost 4 come to think of it) I have been listening to country music or classic rock (which is great music in its own right) and nothing else.  No metal, no weird spacey Indie tunes, no Industrial, and no Electro/Techno speakerbox style beats.  I have lived this way, not by choice, but to placate those around me that with which I work.

section b.

Tonight marks my last service night here at the lodge.  By service I simply mean it is my last night of the season cooking for guests.  Tomorrow morning I will serve up breakfast for staff and guests and then 95% of the lodge population will ninja dust out of existence.  I am staying behind for about another week (give...or take) to cook for various business meeting/political folk, and a handful of staff co-workers.  The kitchen and all food/beverage/hospitality services are under my full command.  Hoo-hah.  Really what this all means is...well...its fucking party time!  I'm in charge - there's dick all to do - its been a long summer - lets get at 'er!

section c.

Torte girl is coming tomorrow.  I haven't seen her, or hardly communicated with her at all really since the beginning of June.  I am elated, and smothered with happiness.  However, I am also on the short side of complete and utter panic.  She's gonna pop by and help me cook these political meetings, and then she is heading to Church Hill, Manitoba, to work the service industry for the Polar Bear tourist season.  So what this really means is that I haven't seen her since June, will get to see her for about 4 days, and then wont see her again until mid December.  Its been a long haul and distant relations and I really have no god damn clue of where we stand at all.  Big surprise.  Whatever.  Guess we'll just haveta see.

section d.

I am on the 1 week countdown for my return to civilization.  There are a lot of things I am excited for. 

Tattoos, movie theaters, sushi, video games, my couch, high speed internet and the ability to pirate, Cold beer from a glass bottle, sleeping in, amazon.com, new music, and kitty cat.

Still, at the same time there is a lot of hesitation.  The city.  ugh.  Loud, abrasive and suffocating.  Gimme a week and I will be clawing my eyes out, begging for the lakes and bush back.

section e.

Battle Island.  I stood there today for my last time.  There is a point off the island that snakes its way like a dead, bony, skeleton finger stretching out into the lake.  If you stand on this point next to the spruce trees you can hear the dead.  Battle island is named after a bloody skirmish between the Cree and the Deni Native American tribes.  The wind whips across the point and through the branches of the trees you can hear the wailing of those that lost their lives there so very long ago.  Cool place.  Goodbye.

section f.

for those that don't yet know:  I am coming back here for the winter - with no definite set end date.  I will be returning in February to cook for a geologist and mining crew.  The pay is through the roof and I will be in full control of all the cooking and food served.  Tentatively, torte girl will be my second in command.  There's a lot more on this subject to talk about - but I'm not quite ready to spill all the beans as I don't fully know what exactly is happening with me yet.  I do know that I get 4 months or so of city life, which really is perfect, and then I get to come back and experience the brutality of the north in the deepest of winter nights.  24/7 darkness, -60° C temperatures, and a shit ton of snow.  I am super stoked to be out and isolated in the wilderness in some of the harshest climate the world has to offer.  Gonna get all geared up and have me the best freaking winter ever!  Torte girl and I have a little private wood burning cabin nestled away in the trees all to ourselves.  We'll be cooking for about 20 or so people and will work every single day that we are here.  Probably February to May.  Maybe less maybe more.  20 people is nothing, we will have plenty of time for cross country skiing, snowshoeing and lazing by the fire...and I am going to be payed up the asshole to do it?  Yes please!  I cant think of anything better that I would want to be doing.

And so it goes...

I cant help but wonder...

If I take antibiotics given to me from a reconstructive plastic surgeon (current guest at the lodge) for an ear infection that I have been battling for the better part of a month will I end up growing a set of plastic boobs?

and if so...would it be wrong of me to jump up and down naked in front of a mirror?

Opposition < Determination

The giant turns and looks up the dusty, barren road. He raises his club and lets rally a horrendous roar that shakes even the snow capped mountains looming so very far away on the horizon. lifting his left foot he pivots and stamps the ground, and does again the same with his right. His weight settles as the ground beneath him cracks and moans in painful protest. A portrait of terror and horror he stands there seething with white hot hate that burns the very eyes and saps even the most courageous of all their heroic might.

And there I stand facing him.

Skinny, tiny, frail.

Disney World.

So it looks like it's really gonna happen!  I'm stoked, I am ecstatic, I am freaking out!  I've been to Disneyland once before a few years back and love-love-LOVED it, the thought of going to something bigger and better then even that just blows my freaking mind!!

Its beyond me why Torte Girl hasnt been to either Disneyland or World yet.  The girl lives eats and breathes Disney!  She has all 7 life size dwarves as stuffed animals for crying out loud.  Her love for all things Disney makes a crack whore pushing out tricks for a dime bag or two look cheap in comparison.

...we'll just keep that analogy between us here.  No need to let her know I was comparing her to a crack whore now is there?

Anyways, the fact that I get to share a trip like this with her when I know it will mean SO SO much to her excites and tickles me to the very bone.  She is gonna CRY like a baby!  There will be bawling...oh yes.

Its going to be for a week in October.  We plan on being there for her birthday, and we're gonna go the whole package route and stay at one of the value resorts there.  Looks like we've settled on the Pop Century Resort, and while its to bad that we aren't billionairs and cannot afford one of the fancier resorts, we're quite happy to hunker down for the week and kick it with all the kiddies at some budget friendly place.  And this way we can spend all that extra money on doing shit and seeing shows and buying cheap plastic swords and Mickey Mouse bobble heads.

So anyone been to Disney World before?  Any tips or must see attractions to recommend?  What about dining experiences?  Shows?

Gimme the lowdown!

Breath Of Life...

New life is coming to Elusive twilight, it begins today.

As of May 1st I am going to try and begin a streak of blogging at least once a day.  I'm not gonna try and set a time period for doing this as I really don't know if its even feasible in my current state to guarantee that I will be able to make it to a key board everyday, but the term 'streak' fits rather nicely.

So prepare yourselves for a lot of randomness.

I figure now is a good time to try and do this.  In about a months time I head out to the lodge, and without Torte Girl there to occupy my time I have a feeling I am going to be spending a lot of my time writing and what not.

Well, that and sitting in a canoe.

Really though, things feel like they are finally starting to slide into place.  Admittedly some of the pieces are still a little rough and are having a hard time fitting in, but every day it feels like those rough edges are smoothing themselves down and it is only a matter of time before they will ALL fall into place.

Like a whirlwind of cotton candy!

With a snap of the fingers everything just seemed to fall back into place.  It was like time had not even passed, but yet so much time has indeed slipped by.  I am trying my best to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, but its so easy to let myself get swept away by it.  I know it is supposed to be, I have always known it, but I must remain vigilant with my reluctance lest I once again find myself stuck in that dark place that wrapped around me not very long ago.

I just cant help myself - she makes my whole world smile a big toothy grin!

Northern bound...

The lodge I worked at last summer wants me back.  I don't know how I feel about this.  It was a pretty cool experience doing it last summer, but it was tough.  At times you just wanted to scream, click your heels together and go home.  However, it had its good points too...I just can]t seem to remember them right now.

Anyways, it paid great.  its only 3 and a half months or so, and this time when they take their 3 week break I would come back home  and kick it for a bit rather then staying out there 'to be one with nature' like I did last year.

did I mention it pays great?

so I have to decide.  Soon.  I am really at a loss in what to do.  I mean...it was r-e-a-l-l-y fucking tough.  I worked every single day I was there from 5:30 in the morning till 10 at night.  Sometimes later.  You are in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere...which actually is kinda cool cuz I'm into that kinda thing, but there isn't  any time to enjoy it as all you are doing is working and sleeping.

But it pays great...I get a raise this year...and its only 3 and a half months.  I would keep my aparment and not foolishly think I was going to galavant the world aimlessly after I got back.  My current boss already said he could hold my spot for me no problem, so there would be no pressure coming back and having to find work again.

Damn it.

I guess I am going?

I dont really want to.

I hate money.

...Say what...?

I am on my balcony looking down at the street below me.

What do I see? 

There is a fellow bundled up in a snowmobile suit

riding on a unicycle on the icy sidewalk.

...

Why?  Why in the middle of winter do I see this?

Full throttle.

I am now in my new place full time and things are starting to feel a little bit more normal.  Got some furniture, got my internet and the Xbox is back in full effect.  Still, living here is more akin to camping then it is to living in an apartment.  There's just so much to do and buy and decorate and...wow.  Oh well...it'll come together.

I have been sick for the past three days, I took the last two of those days and bunkered myself behind locked doors and have just been resting.  Which really is just my way of saying that I haven't been doing anything cept for playing vids.

But hey, can you blame me!  I have been without for far to long.  Its been wonderful.  Over the last 48 hours I have been an immortal mercenary trying to reclaim fragments from his past, a deep space mechanic trapped aboard an abandoned space station infested with some kind of mutant alien species, and a deadly ninja assassin on a quest to stop global devastation from a rival clan of evil fucked up brood like warriors.

Who else can say this is how the week started off for them!

Brilliant!

My neighbor down the street has a battery operated LED light that he attaches to his dogs collar when he walks him at night. The first night I witnessed this I was walking home from work and saw this light bobbing and weaving in the bush alongside the river bank. My first immediate thought was that the King Of The Silver River had finally come to solve all my problems and whisk me away on some grand fantastical adventure.

I was elated.

Then, however, I saw that it was just the neighbors dog running rampant and unchallenged through the dark wintery park.

I was a little let down...but the sheer genius of something so simple as a light attached to the dogs collar distracted me from being to gloomy with disappointment. its dark...you need to run the dog...you always know where the dog is if you fasten a light onto it.

Why have I never seen this done before? why have I never done this before? WHY isn't every dog owner in the world that runs their dog at night doing this?

My life is forever and irrevocably changed.

Thank you, dog walking neighbor. You may not be the King Of The Silver River...but your still pretty okay in my books.

Never again...

I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out. I never really considered myself a sucker...Yet here I am. I wont make the same mistake twice, I have readied my archers and closed the drawbridge. Never again will I be caught unawares. So keep your poisonous smile to yourself, it no longer seeps through my veins. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Negligence.

I haven't really been doing anything fun or exciting, hence the lack of updates here on Mr. Blog.

Work has really consumed my existence. 6 of 7 days of the week I am usually working, this is by choice, so I'm not complaining. Still, it really manages to eat up a persons time.

Looks like I have semi nailed down a time frame for my exit out of North America. I will be heading over to Thailand with a one way ticket in hand sometime in the middle of January. With all the snow we have been getting lately this is a really, REALLY exciting thing.

Its a little strange, knowing that I wont have to be here for all of the winter. I am not really minding the snow and the cold so much right now. I am even, dare I say, enjoying it. the other day as I walked to work (Sunday I believe) the snow was coming down in big fat fluffy chunks...it was a lazy falling, not a whip you in the face and sting the hell out of your face kind of falling. If I stared hard enough the 3D dimensions of the snow flakes made me feel like I could see through the entire universe!! Maybe even existence itself. There were people sledding down a tiny hill and I counted at least three families out in their yards stringing up Christmas lights on their houses and trees.

It made me feel, "Awww."

I am going to make an attempt to blog a little bit more over the coming weeks. I realize I have been sluffing off, but like I said in an earlier post I was really going crazy and the stuff that woulda poured out of me here would have caused a global pandemic. Either that, or someone would have stalked me down and put a bullet in my head to knock me out of my misery.

While I am still indeed crazy, I am now really good at hiding it.

So I figure its safe to come back now.

GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I want to scream and pull out my hair...I want to tear down the walls and scratch my nails across the floor!! I want to hurl stones and break logs over my head. Stand in my way and I will walk over you without even noticing, catch my attention and I will bore a hole through your chest with a single look. Feel my anger, it is wild and flies everywhere! I have no control, and care not where it lands.

I am wrath.