PURGE.

Incoherence at it's finest.

section a.

I am listening to Android Lust right now, which is dirty industrial music with a pulsating, deep, dark, electro background.  It is sinister music edged with anger and attitude.  I am loving it.  For the past 3 months (almost 4 come to think of it) I have been listening to country music or classic rock (which is great music in its own right) and nothing else.  No metal, no weird spacey Indie tunes, no Industrial, and no Electro/Techno speakerbox style beats.  I have lived this way, not by choice, but to placate those around me that with which I work.

section b.

Tonight marks my last service night here at the lodge.  By service I simply mean it is my last night of the season cooking for guests.  Tomorrow morning I will serve up breakfast for staff and guests and then 95% of the lodge population will ninja dust out of existence.  I am staying behind for about another week (give...or take) to cook for various business meeting/political folk, and a handful of staff co-workers.  The kitchen and all food/beverage/hospitality services are under my full command.  Hoo-hah.  Really what this all means is...well...its fucking party time!  I'm in charge - there's dick all to do - its been a long summer - lets get at 'er!

section c.

Torte girl is coming tomorrow.  I haven't seen her, or hardly communicated with her at all really since the beginning of June.  I am elated, and smothered with happiness.  However, I am also on the short side of complete and utter panic.  She's gonna pop by and help me cook these political meetings, and then she is heading to Church Hill, Manitoba, to work the service industry for the Polar Bear tourist season.  So what this really means is that I haven't seen her since June, will get to see her for about 4 days, and then wont see her again until mid December.  Its been a long haul and distant relations and I really have no god damn clue of where we stand at all.  Big surprise.  Whatever.  Guess we'll just haveta see.

section d.

I am on the 1 week countdown for my return to civilization.  There are a lot of things I am excited for. 

Tattoos, movie theaters, sushi, video games, my couch, high speed internet and the ability to pirate, Cold beer from a glass bottle, sleeping in, amazon.com, new music, and kitty cat.

Still, at the same time there is a lot of hesitation.  The city.  ugh.  Loud, abrasive and suffocating.  Gimme a week and I will be clawing my eyes out, begging for the lakes and bush back.

section e.

Battle Island.  I stood there today for my last time.  There is a point off the island that snakes its way like a dead, bony, skeleton finger stretching out into the lake.  If you stand on this point next to the spruce trees you can hear the dead.  Battle island is named after a bloody skirmish between the Cree and the Deni Native American tribes.  The wind whips across the point and through the branches of the trees you can hear the wailing of those that lost their lives there so very long ago.  Cool place.  Goodbye.

section f.

for those that don't yet know:  I am coming back here for the winter - with no definite set end date.  I will be returning in February to cook for a geologist and mining crew.  The pay is through the roof and I will be in full control of all the cooking and food served.  Tentatively, torte girl will be my second in command.  There's a lot more on this subject to talk about - but I'm not quite ready to spill all the beans as I don't fully know what exactly is happening with me yet.  I do know that I get 4 months or so of city life, which really is perfect, and then I get to come back and experience the brutality of the north in the deepest of winter nights.  24/7 darkness, -60° C temperatures, and a shit ton of snow.  I am super stoked to be out and isolated in the wilderness in some of the harshest climate the world has to offer.  Gonna get all geared up and have me the best freaking winter ever!  Torte girl and I have a little private wood burning cabin nestled away in the trees all to ourselves.  We'll be cooking for about 20 or so people and will work every single day that we are here.  Probably February to May.  Maybe less maybe more.  20 people is nothing, we will have plenty of time for cross country skiing, snowshoeing and lazing by the fire...and I am going to be payed up the asshole to do it?  Yes please!  I cant think of anything better that I would want to be doing.

And so it goes...

Mental Seepage.

I seem to be having a hard time figuring out how to properly articulate what is, or has been, happening in my life lately.

There is significant opportunity out north here, and a chance to make a real difference.  If feels like I may have a purpose or a future...dare I say even a life with the harsh elements of the great Canadian tundra.  Ever since last summer when I was first introduced to what the north had to offer I have felt my heart strings pulled mageneticly to this great wilderness landscape.

Now its looking like I could have a full time purpose...it appears as if an opportunity has presented itself to give me that which I have been dreaming of.

I'm not going to go into details yet, I am still waiting on some important facets to properly reveal themselves in regards to the work that I would be doing.

I'm excited, I am apprehensive, and most noteably I am extremely cautious.

Living in the remote areas of Nunavut is unlike most lifestyles people this day and age look for.  There are MANY creature comforts that I would have to learn to live without.  Its a simpler exhistence, a simplier lifestyle, one that is full of challanges with many rich rewards.  I have to be certain that this truly is the kind of life that I want to live.

I am almost positive that it is.

Quiet.  Peace.  Solitude.  Nature in its rawest most deadly form.

How could it possibly go wrong...

I hate Mosquitos!

So...

As most know I am up north working back at that fly in fishing lodge, hence the lack of any kind of activity either here or in my entire blog life.  Sorry about that.

here's some highlights:

• Planted and detonated dynamite on a frozen lake while in a boat.  What?  Yeah.  I blew shit up.  Oh Yeah!  AND NONE SHALL PASS!  Take that ice!
• Shot and killed a wolf.  But he was a bad wolf.  Really.  Bad bad.  So, I got to kill him.  First time i ever killed something bigger then a rabbit.  I prefer watching them when they are alive, so its not something I want to do again.  But yeah...got it done anyways.
• Witnessed a bear (extremely close up) being shot in the face and seeing his guts blasted all over a building wall.  Very surreal...and may actually be discussed later in a separate posting.
• Flew around the Canadian wilderness in a helicopter.  First time in one of those things.  I liked it.  A lot smoother then a plane that's for sure.
• Caught a 42 inch lake trout!  Yes.  42 INCHES!!!  Unbelievable.  I kinda find fishing boring - but this one was fun as hell.
• Came face to face with an actual Wolverine in the bush.  alone.  stoned. slightly drunk.  WTF?
• Canoed.  Canoed.  Canoed.  (bliss, joy, gush)
• Earned some sorta bush pilot air traffic controller radio operator certificate thingie.  I dunno...it'll look cool on my resume.
• Norther Lights. Aurora Borealis.  Call it what you will, I call it, "HOLY SHIT!!"  O_o
• Flew 3 1/2 hours sitting on top of a pop corn maker in a (cargo) float plane.  Never really thought that would be something I was gonna do in life...

And I dont know what else...but i'm running outta attention span here so...meh.  I'm sure details will bubble outta me if they are important enough.

Regardless, I'm here, I'm alive, and I am well.  Working tons, trying to play some...and whatever.  I got some GREAT news...I think...and will talk about it in my next post which will be in a day or so.  I'm pretty excited, but a little bit hesitant too.

I hope all of you are doing well - and I am on  my way now to do some catching up with your blogs, so look for postings!!  Or not...depends on how moved I am!  ;)

Slush...

"We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance."

The above was a quote that author Jonathan Carroll twittered a couple of days ago...and it has stuck with me since.  How true it is.  Life is short, moments pass by so quickly and it is so easy to just sit back and watch them flick by.  How much more fulfilling it is, however, to get up and dance with every single breath of our existence.  How much happier we are when we are 'dancing' rather then sitting glumly along the sidelines.

Its looking like I am going to get to see AC/DC play this August!!  I contacted the lodge and asked if we would be on our break then or not...and they were going to double check for me but were 90% sure that the concert date fell among our time off.  You have no idea how happy this makes me!  AC-freaking-DC yo!!  To say i am a fan is an understatement.  Love love love the band and I have never before had the opportunity to see them live, so this would most certainly be a big fat red check mark on the 'ol bucket list!

Time right now is flying by for me!  two months time and I will be back in Nunavut working my ass off in the middle of nowhere at the fishing lodge again.  Mixed feelings on this.  I'm leaving a lot behind me for the summer to head there again, and this time I wont have Torte Girl beside me for support.  I truly will be alone out there in every sense of the word.  The staff that work there are very reclusive and when their work is done they bunker themselves in their cottages.  Last summer Torte Girl and I ran jumped and played together on our downtime, this go around I wont really have anyone at all to run jump and play with.  Not gonna lie, it all makes me pretty nervous.  I just have to keep reminding myself about the beauty of the place.  It truly is going to be a pretty introspective learning process.  I expect to discover a lot about myself this summer.  I plan on de-stressing all my worries, meditating and reflecting on what it means to be me, and hopefully walk away a better person from it all.

And yes, Torte Girl is once again a very active part of my life.  Its been a hell of a roller coaster ride for us, but I can say in all honesty that the feelings that I have for her never once wavered.  I may have been able to burry them down deep for a period...but they never lessened or went away.  I'm not sure what we are, or what we will be...but I do know that right now, right this second, just thinking of her brings a smile to my lips and makes my insides all squirmy with happiness and prospect. 

She makes my world shine.

And that's that.  I have been seriously considering taking up a 'blog every day for a year' challenge.  I always feel so much better after I spew out the random thoughts that skitter about inside my head, and this challenge would force me to be a bit more steadfast in my updating of good 'ol Elusive Twilight.  we'll see.  Perhaps I'll start a little bit smaller and aim for six months rather then a year.

...

Seri (et al)!  Are you familiar with the Canadian band, The Tragically Hip?  I am just listening to their new album right now and for some strange reason it made me think of you.  Nothing deep and personal - just music tastes!  They have a boatload of albums out and for some strange reason I think you might like 'em!

here's an older song of theirs that I really dig!

Anyone following the news

In Thailand right now? The airport is shut down as its been taken over by protesters, lead pipes, gunfire, grenades lobbed about...

Ya, this is where I am going to be in a month...

Little of this...little of that...

I am house apartment sitting right now. Had some good friends head off out of town for five days and they wanted someone at their place to watch their cats and play with them and stuffs. I am 100 percent OK with this as it gets me out of the house I am living at for a bit and puts me into a place where I can zen out and get a little bit of perspective on things...life...travel...love...

I'm also OK with this because they have a 53 inch high definition TV and a PS3.

Can you say, Metal Gear: Guns Of The Patriots?

w00t w00t!! I GET TO PLAY IT AFTER ALL! I have one week to get through it...so that shouldn't be to hard. Pretty happy about that. Its been like half a year since I have sat down and really 'had at' a game.

I'm back at the restaurant I was working at before I went up north. I figure I might as well work as I am prolly gonna be stuck in this cursed city/country/continent for a little while.

...

By little while I mean months. It would be nice to be able to say that I will be gone again befoire snow hits...but that's a pretty tight schedule. I don't want to be here for Christmas, but in the long run it may be smarter for me to hang out here until right after the new year.

I'm just not to sure if I can hold out that long mentally.

I need to GO GO GO!!

Started my shots today. In total my immunizations are gonna run me about 900 freaking dollars! Got three of em this morning...two in the left arm and one in the right. Only a gazillion more punctures and I can officially roam the globe without growing a third arm out of my belly.

Actually...now that I think about it a 3rd arm could come in handy (no pun intended).

Hmmm...

I'm bored. everything is stale. Torte girl is living on the other side of the city and we're both working our balls off and, and, and, I never get to see her!!

I know...cry, cry, cry.

It just sucks is all. I wanna hang with her...chill with her...run mundane everyday boring errands with her...I'm lucky if we can manage to hook up once a week.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Oh well. Such is life.

So that's that.

Oh oh oh I finally managed to finish my book, The Born Queen!

Happy about that I am

All is not lost...

I'm not emo!!

A lot of complaining and bellyaching around these parts as of late.

Life is not all poison.

I had a terrific summer...even if it was hard work it was still tons of fun. I met some pretty interesting people...and had an incredible time with Torte Girl.

I know I seem to whine about her a lot...and that's unfortunate because I am painting her in a pretty poor light.

She's terrific, she's fantastic, and she is definitely someone I could spend the rest of my life with. She is, in fact, the love of my life. The problem is that I know she feels the same way about me...things are just complicated...you, the readers, are not getting the full scope or details of the situation because it isn't really my place to give them out...especially here on a public blog.

And really...I don't think anyone wants to read all that crap either. Better to just follow the soap opera for what it is and for what I give.

Not only that, but by the gods I am so close to leaving this continent behind me that I can already taste the Indian Oceans salty spray in my mouth!! Thats crazy cool.

...

I'm just down in the dumps right now. Love can do that to ya...it lifts ya up and throws you right back down.

*Phew*

And that right there is my official disclaimer.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!

1. Avoiding blog because there is nothing good to say.
2. Being back in the city sucks ass.
3. Hard to motivate self to get things done promptly to get back out of the city.
4. Finally saw Dark Knight. It rocked!
5. I miss Torte girl with every fiber of my being even though she is in the same city as me.
6. I want to leave city but I want Torte Girl to be with me.
7. She doesn't feel that way.
8. Scared shitless 24/7 is not an enjoyable way to live.
9. I cant seem to cry...no mater how hard I concentrate.
10. Living in a persons basement is not a good way to get privacy.
11. Knot in stomach is ever present and wishing it would go away.
12. Everything I once enjoyed and was passionate about has lost its flavor.
13. Wishing I was being held right now. Lonely is an understatement.
14. I CANT FUCKING STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!
15. I miss my cat.
16. All my friends seem kinda lame and boring or uninteresting right now even though I know they aren't.
17. I.AM.SLOWLY.GOING.CRAZY.
18. Need to get intimidating paperwork done.
19. I miss the lodge and the lake and the cold and the sky...but still never want to go back.
20. STOP THE WORLD...I WANT TO GET OFF!
    

Back-ity-back!

I'm back in civilization.

It was a tough 3 months, towards the end there I was literally exhausted in both body and mind. Its not easy getting up at 4:30am every day and working until 10-11 at night for that long of a time period. Its also not that easy working and living that closely with people for that long of a time period. Regardless, yesterday was bittersweet. I was excited and happy to be coming home, but as the plane lifted off and I looked out the window one last time at the lake I had spent my summer on I couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness at my departure. It was a beautiful place, and I knew in my heart I was going to miss it terribly.

I already miss the sound of the water lapping against the shore, I miss the cold mornings and cold nights, I miss setting the fires and keeping them going throughout the day, I miss the sound of the float planes taking off and landing, I miss the thrum and hum of the motors on the fishing boat as the guides come to and fro, I miss the spectacular sunsets and and sunrises, I miss standing there mouth hanging open in awe as I gape up at the spectacular northern lights, I miss the wolves howling and I miss the eerie mist that settled so ominously along the tree line across the bay. I miss it all and more, but hells bells am I glad to be moving a long.

Anyways, now that I am back in the city for a bit and back to a nice speedy internet connection I am sure you will be seeing more regualr updates from me. Right now I am in a hotel room tucked under a blanket wishing I could sleep loner, but my body just cant accept that fact that it is no loner working overtime. I figured I needed some quiet time before I jumped back into the fray of city life, I need to collect my thoughts before everyone knows I am around again...and by all things holy I need to go and see freaking BATMAN!!!

Shock Value.

Over the past few days the realization of the fact that the adventure I am undertaking could very well be quite the lonely experience. Things would be different had I someone by my side to lean on and endure these hardships with, but I suppose one cannot always have that luxury.

Things here at the lodge are winding down...and in another two weeks or so I will be heading back to my hometown not knowing where I am going to sleep that night. Sure I have a couple of leads, and I have many friends that will put me up if needs be...but just the fact that I will be doing this a lone more or less scares the hell out of me.

I'll tell ya one thing for free...I wont be sticking around there for long. If I have to go at it a lone I might as well be somewhere where I can gather my pride and not have anybody judging me for the decisions I have made.

I'm frightened. I'm terrified that I have bit off more than I can chew, and the shock value that I am doing it a lone is finally starting to settle in.

Anxiety is a bitch.

I'm back...

Just a quick one to say I'm alive and all is well. Time alone out here was fantastic and I'll have more to say as soon as time permits. Hopefully you have not all left me. Regular blog posts to begin again soon I promise!



Check it out...I got to pet a baby bald eagle out in the wild. The poor little fucker fell out of his nest and couldn't do anything but try and pretend I wasn't there.



VERY COOL!

Lights Out

Torte girl and I will wake up tomorrow and we will be the only human beings breathing oxygen for about 300 miles in every direction.

We will have no electricity save what three little portable generators can provide, a shit load of gas, couple of motorboats, a four wheel quad, canoes, couple of guns and a pantry full of dried goods.

We also have copious amounts of alcohol and smokables.

...

Actually...we have both decided this is a prime time to quit smoking. Between the two of us we have eight smokes. There will be absolutely no way to get more for two full weeks. We do however have plenty of the other kind of smoke, and there aint no way either of us will ever give up that.

everyone thinks we're crazy for staying out here all alone and isolated, but I'll tell ya the gods own truth...we couldn't be more stoked!!

Anyways...with no power it obviously means that I wont have any internet access either. So gods speed...I'm going dark and I'll see ya in a couple of weeks!

A slurring of words.

Its the clouds here. I've never really seen anything quite like it. I'm going to go back home and I know people will ask to see pictures, I laugh to myself because I know that 95 percent of what I have to show them will be pictures of the sky. Its ever changing here, and every time I look up my breath is taken away. Fluffy clouds, thin clouds, clouds that change shapes and sizes right before your eyes...I could sit for hours at a time and stare up at the sky just dreaming and imagining the time go by.

We are on an eight day menu rotation here. 'We' being the staff here at the lodge. The food is good...its simple food...a lot of pork which is kind of weird...but all in all the heartiness is suitable to the surroundings that we find ourselves in. The problem lies in the fact that eight days isnt a very long time, and to be eating the same food every eight days...it gets redundant quick. Lunch rolls around and I feel myself cringing at what is put in front of me to eat. Again, not because the food tastes bad, but just because its the same old, same old.

I have forgotten how much I love being by the water, I had forgotten how peaceful I find it, how easily I am able to lose myself as I sit there listening to the waves come crashing back and forth at my feet. The water lifts my spirits, I draw life from it and find myself refreshed and comforted as I sit there in its passing. I have concluded that I never want to be away from waters edge again. My experience comes mostly from lake and river, stream and pond, brook and ditch...but I have been around the ocean before, just never for any extended period of time. I look very forward to rectifying that.

I hate bugs. I hate the bugs that swarm at my face, I hate the bugs that bite me, I hate listening to them buzz in my ear, and I hate seeing them cling to the screens on windows and doors, I hate them all and I feel that it is all our duty to squash, slap and bash any and all bugs that we see on site.

There is a slight chance that torte girl and I will have this entire place to ourselves for the better part of two weeks.

TO OURSELVES!! The entire freaking camp. Everyone is going home, its a solid two week break that they take so we dont all burn out. Torte girl and I have asked if we can stay. Theres no power or electricity as they shut it down for the duration of the leave, but that doesn't really mater to either of us. We'll see what they decide...I'm hoping that they trust me enough to leave us here. Its not that they have any reason to distrust us, but I'm not joking when I say that this place is in the middle of the wild. Its remote, its barren and its pretty fucking desolate. It's also beautiful, quite, and pretty gods damned spectacular. I've tried to show them that I am competent in the bush...that the outdoors is in my blood, we'll just have to see if they take the bait. Seriously though, to be out here alone...to do whatever we want...holy crap I cant even begin to imagine. We'll have to eat all our food off the BBQ and campfire...and the food wont be all that exciting because the refrigeration will all be turned off...but yippe-kai-yay what a spectacular chance. I don't know for sure yet if Torte girl will actually stay...she says she will...but i know that she would like to go back to the city to see her cat and her friends. Either way even if she doesn't stay I'm still gonna squat...but I'm not gonna lie when i say that I really want her here with me during that time.

Anyways...thats it for now. Sorry for the blather, but thats all thats really gonna come from me for the next little bit or so. There just isn't time like there used to be.

Stay well and as always check out my flickr page for frequent photo updates.

Allo allo!

I'm still here.

I'm tired...I'm sore...but I am about as happy as a fat kid on a smartie!

Torte Girl and I are getting worked to the bone. My day starts at 5 in the morning and finishes off somewhere around 9:30-10:00 at night. There's a 3 hour break in the afternoon as well. This is every single day...no day off.

Tough going, but the people here are my kind of people. Down to earth, good folk for the most part. And the location. My oh my! Location, location, location. I'm in the middle of freaking nowhere and this camp is pretty freaking nice! I'm going to be updating my flickr account on a regular basis, so if your interested in pictures give a click on the link in the right hand sidebar.

I dont really have much of anything else to say, I'm tired and right now would rather be sleeping but I thought I should jump on here and wish everyone well. Hope good things are coming your way and I will see you peeps when I see you, which hopefully will be a bit more frequently now that I am starting to fall into routine.

My new backyard...!!!

I'm there.

More to follow after I have some sleep.

...

I really need sleep.

...

But! YAY!!
.
.
.
.

*edit*
And no more air mattress!!
*edit*