Its a Pink Floyd kinda day...

Pomegranate:

I don't think I like you.  Your skin is tough and you are hard to peel and slice.  You have to many seeds and your tart juices stain my fingers.

Even when I drink you I find that I have to mix you up with other fruit juices.

Fruit juices that I actually like.

I am sorry, pomegranate, but I am afraid we can go no further together.

Please leave.

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Rainy day today.  the kind of day where you wake up on the stern side of miserable.  Its cold, gray, and wet.  I have hunkered down with a nice big bowl of Chicken vegetable soup with croutons and parmesan cheese and am pretending that its a GIANT FUCKING cigarette! 

GAH!!

*sighs*

Bit of a nip in the air...

I just walked from work back here to my place (a forty minute walk) in -42 °C temperatures.

for you yanks...its pretty much the equivalent, at that point, and equals out to about -43.6 ºF.

If The Abominable Snow Man were to get it on with Jack frost and Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and they somehow had offspring that was in turn raised by polar bears and penguins and then said child was to come along and fuck you up the ass with an icicle as you lie naked in a tub full of ice water...

well...that's about how it would feel.

Gods bless Canada.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!

1. Avoiding blog because there is nothing good to say.
2. Being back in the city sucks ass.
3. Hard to motivate self to get things done promptly to get back out of the city.
4. Finally saw Dark Knight. It rocked!
5. I miss Torte girl with every fiber of my being even though she is in the same city as me.
6. I want to leave city but I want Torte Girl to be with me.
7. She doesn't feel that way.
8. Scared shitless 24/7 is not an enjoyable way to live.
9. I cant seem to cry...no mater how hard I concentrate.
10. Living in a persons basement is not a good way to get privacy.
11. Knot in stomach is ever present and wishing it would go away.
12. Everything I once enjoyed and was passionate about has lost its flavor.
13. Wishing I was being held right now. Lonely is an understatement.
14. I CANT FUCKING STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!
15. I miss my cat.
16. All my friends seem kinda lame and boring or uninteresting right now even though I know they aren't.
17. I.AM.SLOWLY.GOING.CRAZY.
18. Need to get intimidating paperwork done.
19. I miss the lodge and the lake and the cold and the sky...but still never want to go back.
20. STOP THE WORLD...I WANT TO GET OFF!
    

GAH!

So, I'm not leaving.

...

Tomorrow that is. Which is when we were supposed to leave. Which is why I have planned and executed everything so perfectly up to this moment.

Now I'm told (the freaking day before lift-off) that it wont be until somewhere between June 13th-17th.

I have 60 dollars to my name...I'm sleeping on a freaking air mattress...and I am angry as hell.

But at the same time I am loving it. Its the surprises, the pitfalls, the challenges, that I have always been most eager to encounter on my grand master scheme.

Here's to hoping that the dude who is letting me crash at his place is OK with me staying a wee bit longer.

60 bucks! ARGHHHHH.

Now what?

Send soup please.

Drowning.

I'm angry...I seethe day and night and it constantly feels like my insides are wound up so tightly they are ready to spring up and out of me at any given moment.

I cant really identify any one thing that is making me feel this way, it just is.

I have one month to close off my old life and begin my new one, I'm scared, I know its the right thing to do, but moving out of the safety of my bubble both excites and terrifies me. What if I'm fucking myself over, what if I come back from the lodge up north and for some crazy reason am unable to continue further with my plan of adventure over seas? I would be coming home to nothing. No job, no home...nothing.

I know this wont be the case...but what if?

And then there is the whole situation with Torte Girl. What if...oh man, I dont even want to really start thinking about all those what ifs. Its like everything that we are is being put on hold until we both venture out north. Only problem is that I am not a very patient man, and every day we spend here in the city turning our old lives off is one more day where I question question question. See, we aren't dating...at least not yet...if ever...but I want it, I want her, I love her, however both of our signals are constantly getting confused and jumbled, neither of us is sure of what we are doing and both of us are scared of what we are about to embark upon...its a great big mess and things seem to be getting tenser and tenser as the day of our departure grows nearer. As of today it is exactly one month from now that we will be setting foot onto that float plane and flying to whatever the future has for us.

Boy oh boy. I'm pent up.

In reality though I know everything is going to work itself out. I just need to go go go!! My mind set is already out north, but yet I am still stuck here in the snarling city, living among peoples that are more robot like then human. I don't want to be bitter, I want to run and jump and play, but by the gods this urban sprawl is KILLING ME!

The city is killing me...!

The noise, the garbage, the desperateness.

I want open spaces, I want spans of green that stretch to the horizon, I want forests that blot out the sun and beckon to me with an offer of shade. I want to hear the birds sing in the morning and sit by rivers gurgling over rock and stone.

Not much longer will I be able to tolerate the concrete jungle and the urban hustle of the place I now call home. I need out. Its eating at me, sucking me dry.

I am suffocating amidst the decay of civilization...I am drowning in the thoughtlessness of what humanity has become.

I yearn for simpler things...but yet infinitely more important things.

Stoopid stoopid stoopid!

*Disclaimer*
I love my PS3 and I am very happy I own one
*End disclaimer*

Sony should be embarrassed with themselves when they look at how their PS3 handles with online situations in comparison to how the Xbox stands up with online operations.

Seriously...the PS3 so far has sucked so much ass with everything I have done...or tried to do with online things that its lips are starting to turn brown.

The downloads are slow...not just slow, slow...but we're talking downloading overnight while I sleep and its still not finished when I wake up slow. Not to mention the horrible user interface screens you have to go through just to pick out what it is you want to download.

Also, why the hell would I want to buy a game I cant demo first? I don't know how Sony decides what games you can and cant download demos for...but on the 360 every XBLA game has a standard free demo you can check out first.

It turns out, however, that I don't need to worry about slow downloads or choosing demos cause I cant even add any money to my account in the first place. Firstly...you can only do it if you have a credit card. Ok...thats gay, but I have one. Secondly if you make one little typo or silly mistake whilst entering your credit card info...say a period where one wasn't supposed to be...well then you get locked out of the system and cant retry entering your info for another 24 hours.

Customer service? Ya...your fucked. I tried that too. They say they cant even look at my Playstation Network account.

My balls they cant.

More like they don't want to.

Seriously, the 360 is so superior with its online content and user interfaces that its mind boggling how Sony can even think they stand a chance competing in this category. Sure you have to pay an annual fee for the 360 online stuff...but hell it works and it works fantastically. No shit Sony offers online connections for free...who in their right minds would pay for the kind of service they are offering?

GAAAAAAAAH!!

I need laser guns...gimme hyper bombs...a sword or morning star! I'm gonna go break some executive type skulls!

I have portion control issues.

Whenever I cook at home whatever it is I make I end up having to eat if for an entire week. I work in kitchens for a living that serve hundreds of people at a time...not just one.

Anyone want some pasghetti? :P

-49 °C right now...

Jokes over.
No, really.
It's not funny anymore.

GAAAH!!

Going through a break up is like having a monster in your closet!! You know its there...you know that you just have to get up, run across the room and throw the light switch on and it will go away. Unfortunately, fear paralyzes you and you stay in bed shaking in fear with the covers pulled over your head.

Its been two and a half months now. Two and a half months of battle and frustration. Ive let go...but everything in my body is telling me to not give up.

The constant struggle is killing me.

I miss her.

I miss her more then I miss Farscape or Firefly...or hell even SG-1. :P

GAH!

__________________________

On a separate note...turns out the Dragonlance movie I talked about below...well...it sucks. The animation is HORRIBLE! Its like they used previsualization software and decided to fuck it and just leave it as it was.

Shame. :(

I just want to see the damn movie...!!!

THREE times now the torte girl and I have made plans to see Sweeney Todd...and THREE times now it hasn't worked out.

GAH!

Now maybe tomorrow. And if tomorrow falls through chances of seeing it at all in the theater are slim to none.

Its not her fault...its her stupid job.

Still...

Who am I kidding - yes I want to see the movie, but even more I just want to see her. Fuck I would go see Nancy freaking Drew if she wanted me to.

*sighs*

When do I stop...when does it not mater...when does the hurt go away?

Shopping.

Shopping for something non electronics related is always a strange and foreign experience for me. 80 percent of my purchases are probably electronic...or geeky...or...movie/game related. Thats just the way it has always been. When I buy something from those catagories I walk into the store knowing EXACTLY what I want. The precise model...the exact package...whatever.

Clothes shopping? Hah. I wandered the stores forever and a day today...so indecisive. What if I buy this jacket, and then two stores later I find one I like better? So of course you have to go through all the bloody stores first, and then go back and pick up what you liked - and thats only if you can remember where it was you saw the item that you liked.

Theeeeeeen you have to try it on...well it looked good on the rack, but holy shit it looks like a sack of potatoes when I put it on.

Eeesh.

But now I am home. Got some nice things that make me look the way I want to look and I can relax. Not one movie bought...not one game looked at, no bookstores...what a strange thing.

Shopping for clothes is so much easier when you have a hot little number by your side helping you. :(

The head...

It hurts.

If King Kong were a headache...then my headache is the bullet shot out of a black and white twin engine war plane that brought the mother down.

The extremely frustrating part? I know there is a full bottle of Advil that fell off the counter a couple of months back and took up residence somewhere behind the fridge.

Do I journey forth and try and reclaim this lost treasure...or continue my vigilant bong warming ceremony?

You know...for...uh...medicinal purposes.

c-c-c-cooooold!

6am in the morning I trudge to work, the temperature outside is -37°C

I was not a happy camper.

Crisis...!!

I'm having a real rough time right now in my life. I don't want to go into any details - I just felt the need to share the fact that things right now for me are really shitty. I'm at a low point, possibly one of the lowest of the lows that I have ever experienced.

I could use some good vibes sent my way...