PURGE.

Incoherence at it's finest.

section a.

I am listening to Android Lust right now, which is dirty industrial music with a pulsating, deep, dark, electro background.  It is sinister music edged with anger and attitude.  I am loving it.  For the past 3 months (almost 4 come to think of it) I have been listening to country music or classic rock (which is great music in its own right) and nothing else.  No metal, no weird spacey Indie tunes, no Industrial, and no Electro/Techno speakerbox style beats.  I have lived this way, not by choice, but to placate those around me that with which I work.

section b.

Tonight marks my last service night here at the lodge.  By service I simply mean it is my last night of the season cooking for guests.  Tomorrow morning I will serve up breakfast for staff and guests and then 95% of the lodge population will ninja dust out of existence.  I am staying behind for about another week (give...or take) to cook for various business meeting/political folk, and a handful of staff co-workers.  The kitchen and all food/beverage/hospitality services are under my full command.  Hoo-hah.  Really what this all means is...well...its fucking party time!  I'm in charge - there's dick all to do - its been a long summer - lets get at 'er!

section c.

Torte girl is coming tomorrow.  I haven't seen her, or hardly communicated with her at all really since the beginning of June.  I am elated, and smothered with happiness.  However, I am also on the short side of complete and utter panic.  She's gonna pop by and help me cook these political meetings, and then she is heading to Church Hill, Manitoba, to work the service industry for the Polar Bear tourist season.  So what this really means is that I haven't seen her since June, will get to see her for about 4 days, and then wont see her again until mid December.  Its been a long haul and distant relations and I really have no god damn clue of where we stand at all.  Big surprise.  Whatever.  Guess we'll just haveta see.

section d.

I am on the 1 week countdown for my return to civilization.  There are a lot of things I am excited for. 

Tattoos, movie theaters, sushi, video games, my couch, high speed internet and the ability to pirate, Cold beer from a glass bottle, sleeping in, amazon.com, new music, and kitty cat.

Still, at the same time there is a lot of hesitation.  The city.  ugh.  Loud, abrasive and suffocating.  Gimme a week and I will be clawing my eyes out, begging for the lakes and bush back.

section e.

Battle Island.  I stood there today for my last time.  There is a point off the island that snakes its way like a dead, bony, skeleton finger stretching out into the lake.  If you stand on this point next to the spruce trees you can hear the dead.  Battle island is named after a bloody skirmish between the Cree and the Deni Native American tribes.  The wind whips across the point and through the branches of the trees you can hear the wailing of those that lost their lives there so very long ago.  Cool place.  Goodbye.

section f.

for those that don't yet know:  I am coming back here for the winter - with no definite set end date.  I will be returning in February to cook for a geologist and mining crew.  The pay is through the roof and I will be in full control of all the cooking and food served.  Tentatively, torte girl will be my second in command.  There's a lot more on this subject to talk about - but I'm not quite ready to spill all the beans as I don't fully know what exactly is happening with me yet.  I do know that I get 4 months or so of city life, which really is perfect, and then I get to come back and experience the brutality of the north in the deepest of winter nights.  24/7 darkness, -60° C temperatures, and a shit ton of snow.  I am super stoked to be out and isolated in the wilderness in some of the harshest climate the world has to offer.  Gonna get all geared up and have me the best freaking winter ever!  Torte girl and I have a little private wood burning cabin nestled away in the trees all to ourselves.  We'll be cooking for about 20 or so people and will work every single day that we are here.  Probably February to May.  Maybe less maybe more.  20 people is nothing, we will have plenty of time for cross country skiing, snowshoeing and lazing by the fire...and I am going to be payed up the asshole to do it?  Yes please!  I cant think of anything better that I would want to be doing.

And so it goes...

Disney World.

So it looks like it's really gonna happen!  I'm stoked, I am ecstatic, I am freaking out!  I've been to Disneyland once before a few years back and love-love-LOVED it, the thought of going to something bigger and better then even that just blows my freaking mind!!

Its beyond me why Torte Girl hasnt been to either Disneyland or World yet.  The girl lives eats and breathes Disney!  She has all 7 life size dwarves as stuffed animals for crying out loud.  Her love for all things Disney makes a crack whore pushing out tricks for a dime bag or two look cheap in comparison.

...we'll just keep that analogy between us here.  No need to let her know I was comparing her to a crack whore now is there?

Anyways, the fact that I get to share a trip like this with her when I know it will mean SO SO much to her excites and tickles me to the very bone.  She is gonna CRY like a baby!  There will be bawling...oh yes.

Its going to be for a week in October.  We plan on being there for her birthday, and we're gonna go the whole package route and stay at one of the value resorts there.  Looks like we've settled on the Pop Century Resort, and while its to bad that we aren't billionairs and cannot afford one of the fancier resorts, we're quite happy to hunker down for the week and kick it with all the kiddies at some budget friendly place.  And this way we can spend all that extra money on doing shit and seeing shows and buying cheap plastic swords and Mickey Mouse bobble heads.

So anyone been to Disney World before?  Any tips or must see attractions to recommend?  What about dining experiences?  Shows?

Gimme the lowdown!

Presenting, Atilla!

My new roommate.  She is Torte Girls cat and she has come to stay with me a little bit ahead of schedule.

Its pretty cool having a cat stay with me again.  Gods know I miss the hell out of Loki and Oy so Atilla (Till's for short) is most certainly welcome company.

YAY FOR AMINALS!

Slush...

"We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance."

The above was a quote that author Jonathan Carroll twittered a couple of days ago...and it has stuck with me since.  How true it is.  Life is short, moments pass by so quickly and it is so easy to just sit back and watch them flick by.  How much more fulfilling it is, however, to get up and dance with every single breath of our existence.  How much happier we are when we are 'dancing' rather then sitting glumly along the sidelines.

Its looking like I am going to get to see AC/DC play this August!!  I contacted the lodge and asked if we would be on our break then or not...and they were going to double check for me but were 90% sure that the concert date fell among our time off.  You have no idea how happy this makes me!  AC-freaking-DC yo!!  To say i am a fan is an understatement.  Love love love the band and I have never before had the opportunity to see them live, so this would most certainly be a big fat red check mark on the 'ol bucket list!

Time right now is flying by for me!  two months time and I will be back in Nunavut working my ass off in the middle of nowhere at the fishing lodge again.  Mixed feelings on this.  I'm leaving a lot behind me for the summer to head there again, and this time I wont have Torte Girl beside me for support.  I truly will be alone out there in every sense of the word.  The staff that work there are very reclusive and when their work is done they bunker themselves in their cottages.  Last summer Torte Girl and I ran jumped and played together on our downtime, this go around I wont really have anyone at all to run jump and play with.  Not gonna lie, it all makes me pretty nervous.  I just have to keep reminding myself about the beauty of the place.  It truly is going to be a pretty introspective learning process.  I expect to discover a lot about myself this summer.  I plan on de-stressing all my worries, meditating and reflecting on what it means to be me, and hopefully walk away a better person from it all.

And yes, Torte Girl is once again a very active part of my life.  Its been a hell of a roller coaster ride for us, but I can say in all honesty that the feelings that I have for her never once wavered.  I may have been able to burry them down deep for a period...but they never lessened or went away.  I'm not sure what we are, or what we will be...but I do know that right now, right this second, just thinking of her brings a smile to my lips and makes my insides all squirmy with happiness and prospect. 

She makes my world shine.

And that's that.  I have been seriously considering taking up a 'blog every day for a year' challenge.  I always feel so much better after I spew out the random thoughts that skitter about inside my head, and this challenge would force me to be a bit more steadfast in my updating of good 'ol Elusive Twilight.  we'll see.  Perhaps I'll start a little bit smaller and aim for six months rather then a year.

...

Seri (et al)!  Are you familiar with the Canadian band, The Tragically Hip?  I am just listening to their new album right now and for some strange reason it made me think of you.  Nothing deep and personal - just music tastes!  They have a boatload of albums out and for some strange reason I think you might like 'em!

here's an older song of theirs that I really dig!

Like a whirlwind of cotton candy!

With a snap of the fingers everything just seemed to fall back into place.  It was like time had not even passed, but yet so much time has indeed slipped by.  I am trying my best to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, but its so easy to let myself get swept away by it.  I know it is supposed to be, I have always known it, but I must remain vigilant with my reluctance lest I once again find myself stuck in that dark place that wrapped around me not very long ago.

I just cant help myself - she makes my whole world smile a big toothy grin!

Little of this...little of that...

I am house apartment sitting right now. Had some good friends head off out of town for five days and they wanted someone at their place to watch their cats and play with them and stuffs. I am 100 percent OK with this as it gets me out of the house I am living at for a bit and puts me into a place where I can zen out and get a little bit of perspective on things...life...travel...love...

I'm also OK with this because they have a 53 inch high definition TV and a PS3.

Can you say, Metal Gear: Guns Of The Patriots?

w00t w00t!! I GET TO PLAY IT AFTER ALL! I have one week to get through it...so that shouldn't be to hard. Pretty happy about that. Its been like half a year since I have sat down and really 'had at' a game.

I'm back at the restaurant I was working at before I went up north. I figure I might as well work as I am prolly gonna be stuck in this cursed city/country/continent for a little while.

...

By little while I mean months. It would be nice to be able to say that I will be gone again befoire snow hits...but that's a pretty tight schedule. I don't want to be here for Christmas, but in the long run it may be smarter for me to hang out here until right after the new year.

I'm just not to sure if I can hold out that long mentally.

I need to GO GO GO!!

Started my shots today. In total my immunizations are gonna run me about 900 freaking dollars! Got three of em this morning...two in the left arm and one in the right. Only a gazillion more punctures and I can officially roam the globe without growing a third arm out of my belly.

Actually...now that I think about it a 3rd arm could come in handy (no pun intended).

Hmmm...

I'm bored. everything is stale. Torte girl is living on the other side of the city and we're both working our balls off and, and, and, I never get to see her!!

I know...cry, cry, cry.

It just sucks is all. I wanna hang with her...chill with her...run mundane everyday boring errands with her...I'm lucky if we can manage to hook up once a week.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Oh well. Such is life.

So that's that.

Oh oh oh I finally managed to finish my book, The Born Queen!

Happy about that I am

All is not lost...

I'm not emo!!

A lot of complaining and bellyaching around these parts as of late.

Life is not all poison.

I had a terrific summer...even if it was hard work it was still tons of fun. I met some pretty interesting people...and had an incredible time with Torte Girl.

I know I seem to whine about her a lot...and that's unfortunate because I am painting her in a pretty poor light.

She's terrific, she's fantastic, and she is definitely someone I could spend the rest of my life with. She is, in fact, the love of my life. The problem is that I know she feels the same way about me...things are just complicated...you, the readers, are not getting the full scope or details of the situation because it isn't really my place to give them out...especially here on a public blog.

And really...I don't think anyone wants to read all that crap either. Better to just follow the soap opera for what it is and for what I give.

Not only that, but by the gods I am so close to leaving this continent behind me that I can already taste the Indian Oceans salty spray in my mouth!! Thats crazy cool.

...

I'm just down in the dumps right now. Love can do that to ya...it lifts ya up and throws you right back down.

*Phew*

And that right there is my official disclaimer.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!

1. Avoiding blog because there is nothing good to say.
2. Being back in the city sucks ass.
3. Hard to motivate self to get things done promptly to get back out of the city.
4. Finally saw Dark Knight. It rocked!
5. I miss Torte girl with every fiber of my being even though she is in the same city as me.
6. I want to leave city but I want Torte Girl to be with me.
7. She doesn't feel that way.
8. Scared shitless 24/7 is not an enjoyable way to live.
9. I cant seem to cry...no mater how hard I concentrate.
10. Living in a persons basement is not a good way to get privacy.
11. Knot in stomach is ever present and wishing it would go away.
12. Everything I once enjoyed and was passionate about has lost its flavor.
13. Wishing I was being held right now. Lonely is an understatement.
14. I CANT FUCKING STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!
15. I miss my cat.
16. All my friends seem kinda lame and boring or uninteresting right now even though I know they aren't.
17. I.AM.SLOWLY.GOING.CRAZY.
18. Need to get intimidating paperwork done.
19. I miss the lodge and the lake and the cold and the sky...but still never want to go back.
20. STOP THE WORLD...I WANT TO GET OFF!
    

Lights Out

Torte girl and I will wake up tomorrow and we will be the only human beings breathing oxygen for about 300 miles in every direction.

We will have no electricity save what three little portable generators can provide, a shit load of gas, couple of motorboats, a four wheel quad, canoes, couple of guns and a pantry full of dried goods.

We also have copious amounts of alcohol and smokables.

...

Actually...we have both decided this is a prime time to quit smoking. Between the two of us we have eight smokes. There will be absolutely no way to get more for two full weeks. We do however have plenty of the other kind of smoke, and there aint no way either of us will ever give up that.

everyone thinks we're crazy for staying out here all alone and isolated, but I'll tell ya the gods own truth...we couldn't be more stoked!!

Anyways...with no power it obviously means that I wont have any internet access either. So gods speed...I'm going dark and I'll see ya in a couple of weeks!

Block rockin beats and another year bites the dust!

I just turned 34 the other day. I do not really have anything substantial to say about that really…one year older is one year older and really nothing ever changes. What I am excited about is the present Torte Girl gave me. She made me close my eyes and when I opened them sitting there in front of me was a 160GB classic (black) iPod!

I have not owned an iPod for a couple of years now…not to sure why…I was after all in line for the first generation of iPods when they came out. That was back in the day when it was almost 800 dollars for an 80GB classic.

Hip-hip hurray…what a wonderful thing it is to have a portable MP3 player back in my lusty little mitts again! It is one of those things when you do not own one you don’t really miss it, but when you do own one you wonder how you got by with out it.

Anyways, big kudos to Torte Girl, she made me very happy.

I love her.

It is because of the way that she makes me smile that I love her. It is not a pretend smile, or a polite smile to let the other person know that you are still listening (even though you really are not). It is a heartfelt and genuine smile. It is earnest and resolute, it is that perfect smile that make someone beam with sincerity. The things that she shares with me, the words that escape her lips, the topics of conversations that she puts forth and engages the people around her with…it all makes me smile down inside, deep in my belly.

She is not always wise…she is far from perfect…and there are times when I wish I could put millions of miles between the two of us (but only for a few minutes).
To me, however, she is the one that fills me with that strong desire and emotion we so easily describe as love. She makes mistakes and argues with me, but it only makes me want to embrace her and pull her in close, to pull her against my chest and breathe the scent of her hair deep within me, holding it in forever if I can. But even more special, is that I make mistakes and argue as well, I am far from wise and gods know I am the farthest thing from perfect, but yet she still stands by my side, she still says my name and smiles brightly as her eyes twinkle with a sense of mischief and a generous helping of adventure.

I love her. I love her with all that I am and with all that I ever hope to be. I love her even knowing that she will very likely never be mine.

A slurring of words.

Its the clouds here. I've never really seen anything quite like it. I'm going to go back home and I know people will ask to see pictures, I laugh to myself because I know that 95 percent of what I have to show them will be pictures of the sky. Its ever changing here, and every time I look up my breath is taken away. Fluffy clouds, thin clouds, clouds that change shapes and sizes right before your eyes...I could sit for hours at a time and stare up at the sky just dreaming and imagining the time go by.

We are on an eight day menu rotation here. 'We' being the staff here at the lodge. The food is good...its simple food...a lot of pork which is kind of weird...but all in all the heartiness is suitable to the surroundings that we find ourselves in. The problem lies in the fact that eight days isnt a very long time, and to be eating the same food every eight days...it gets redundant quick. Lunch rolls around and I feel myself cringing at what is put in front of me to eat. Again, not because the food tastes bad, but just because its the same old, same old.

I have forgotten how much I love being by the water, I had forgotten how peaceful I find it, how easily I am able to lose myself as I sit there listening to the waves come crashing back and forth at my feet. The water lifts my spirits, I draw life from it and find myself refreshed and comforted as I sit there in its passing. I have concluded that I never want to be away from waters edge again. My experience comes mostly from lake and river, stream and pond, brook and ditch...but I have been around the ocean before, just never for any extended period of time. I look very forward to rectifying that.

I hate bugs. I hate the bugs that swarm at my face, I hate the bugs that bite me, I hate listening to them buzz in my ear, and I hate seeing them cling to the screens on windows and doors, I hate them all and I feel that it is all our duty to squash, slap and bash any and all bugs that we see on site.

There is a slight chance that torte girl and I will have this entire place to ourselves for the better part of two weeks.

TO OURSELVES!! The entire freaking camp. Everyone is going home, its a solid two week break that they take so we dont all burn out. Torte girl and I have asked if we can stay. Theres no power or electricity as they shut it down for the duration of the leave, but that doesn't really mater to either of us. We'll see what they decide...I'm hoping that they trust me enough to leave us here. Its not that they have any reason to distrust us, but I'm not joking when I say that this place is in the middle of the wild. Its remote, its barren and its pretty fucking desolate. It's also beautiful, quite, and pretty gods damned spectacular. I've tried to show them that I am competent in the bush...that the outdoors is in my blood, we'll just have to see if they take the bait. Seriously though, to be out here alone...to do whatever we want...holy crap I cant even begin to imagine. We'll have to eat all our food off the BBQ and campfire...and the food wont be all that exciting because the refrigeration will all be turned off...but yippe-kai-yay what a spectacular chance. I don't know for sure yet if Torte girl will actually stay...she says she will...but i know that she would like to go back to the city to see her cat and her friends. Either way even if she doesn't stay I'm still gonna squat...but I'm not gonna lie when i say that I really want her here with me during that time.

Anyways...thats it for now. Sorry for the blather, but thats all thats really gonna come from me for the next little bit or so. There just isn't time like there used to be.

Stay well and as always check out my flickr page for frequent photo updates.

Sapporoooooooooooo....!

Horrible is the best word to describe thing's right now. All kinds of terrible. It's not that there is anything really wrong, but at the same time nothing is really right either.

It just all feels very bleak right now.

This slight interruption in my departure date to the fishing lodge has really thrown me for a loop. I'm at odds with what to do with myself pretty much around the clock. It rained the entire day today as well, so I was more or less forced indoors.

I'm down to two packs of Sapporo Ichiban noodles, three boxes of Mac & Cheese and four spicy smokie sausage type thinges. I couldn't even afford the expensive Macaroni. Had to get the cheap no name crap. :P
Anyways, gonna be tight, I still have a minimum of 3 days to go...prolly more like 4-5. Hopefully I can mooch a meal off a friend somewhere along the line.

My head is a swirl with plans for the fall and slowly but surely trying to rough out some sort of action plan from where exactly I am gonna go when I am done with the fishing gig. Things with the Torte Girl are lopsided at best. I don't even wanna go there or think about my situation with her until I am out north. Some things are best left until the time is absolutely right, and I honestly wonder now if we have gone to far to ever rekindle any kind of romance between the two of us again. Gods know I want to...but I don't know now...everything is just so...skewed.

Drowning.

I'm angry...I seethe day and night and it constantly feels like my insides are wound up so tightly they are ready to spring up and out of me at any given moment.

I cant really identify any one thing that is making me feel this way, it just is.

I have one month to close off my old life and begin my new one, I'm scared, I know its the right thing to do, but moving out of the safety of my bubble both excites and terrifies me. What if I'm fucking myself over, what if I come back from the lodge up north and for some crazy reason am unable to continue further with my plan of adventure over seas? I would be coming home to nothing. No job, no home...nothing.

I know this wont be the case...but what if?

And then there is the whole situation with Torte Girl. What if...oh man, I dont even want to really start thinking about all those what ifs. Its like everything that we are is being put on hold until we both venture out north. Only problem is that I am not a very patient man, and every day we spend here in the city turning our old lives off is one more day where I question question question. See, we aren't dating...at least not yet...if ever...but I want it, I want her, I love her, however both of our signals are constantly getting confused and jumbled, neither of us is sure of what we are doing and both of us are scared of what we are about to embark upon...its a great big mess and things seem to be getting tenser and tenser as the day of our departure grows nearer. As of today it is exactly one month from now that we will be setting foot onto that float plane and flying to whatever the future has for us.

Boy oh boy. I'm pent up.

In reality though I know everything is going to work itself out. I just need to go go go!! My mind set is already out north, but yet I am still stuck here in the snarling city, living among peoples that are more robot like then human. I don't want to be bitter, I want to run and jump and play, but by the gods this urban sprawl is KILLING ME!

Happy 420!!

Good day, good day! Its 4/20 today - worldwide pot appreciation day.

Spent the majority of the day out at a place called Fort Whyte Alive. Its basically an nature interpretation center, a place for people and kids and stuff to take hikes and learn all about different things in regards to the environment and the world we live in. I was with Torte Girl and one of our good friends who brought along her little kid.

It was fun to spend the day running jumping and playing with a little person. We made bannock, hung out in a teepee, had a picnic, played by a river and pretty much just enjoyed the beautiful spring weather we have been having lately.

After that Torte Girl and I went to the legislative grounds where there was a pot rally counting in 4:20 on 4/20. There was a crap load of people and the smoke was thick in the air. It was pretty weird to be in a throng of that many people knowing that every single person was high as a kite. Still, it was amusing.

Anyways...HAPPY 420.

Sit back, relax, play some tunes and smoke a big fat one for me will ya.